I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
