chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
