someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
