Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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