So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
