Jerry, you need to find god
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
