Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
