Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
