I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
