grandma shit on top of the toilet
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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