i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
