On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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