TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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