I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
