I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Still dying that you shit outside
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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