Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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