wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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