I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
