So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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