is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
