Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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