I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
