the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
