my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
