I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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