I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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