I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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