You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
