I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
