Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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