Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Randomize
