I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
