My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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