I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
