Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
