ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
