When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
