I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
