god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
