i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
