Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
