I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
