I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You just made me feel so damn special
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Success! We fucked roommates!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
