I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
