Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
