We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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