So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
