so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
