Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
