Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
